This is how I look now. I still care a lot about how I look. It never really was about the weight for me. I couldn't care less if I had 80 or 90 kg. But those kilograms would have to consist of pure, lean muscle. Getting rid of the kilos was an equivalent of shedding fat. Only I chose the wrong way: starvation and cardio crank-up. This caused me to lose muscle as well as fat. But as I know myself, I could go on talking and talking, taking pleasure in recollecting those dark and cold days of the December last year. But what would be the point? I would like to stress the difference between anorexia in females and males. For some reason, the general public tends to believe that anorexic boys must be homosexual. And certainly, the majority of males with eating disorders are gay although here I'm quoting statistics and not my personal experience. For me, all the other male anorexics I met were straight including myself.

So, where does this heterosexual male anorexia come from? I'll give you some anecdotal evidence: I always had the tendency to compare myself with my peers. Every P.E. lesson was an opportunity to compare my own physique with that of my mates. I always knew I was a bit different in that I didn't have that natural musculature and definition. But I never seemed to care much, until I hit adolescence. The difference was more than apparent: I was weak and fatty, they were strong, muscular and lean. I felt the odd one out, the weirdo, the one who will never be loved because of my appearance.

I have had many people screaming at me to use my intellect to cope with the fact that physical appearance is not the determinant factor of a successful and popular personality. But here I tend to disagree. You see, for a man having muscles and a six-pack is a sign of good, healthy genes. It is the physical cue to the female: this bloke is healthy, he'll be a good father, he'll protect you and the family. So, for me, the goal of achieving the body I wanted was a natural, evolutionary drive. I may have been wrong: but for all you girls out there, you may be saying that you don't give a fuck about six-pack abs (yes, we all know you're trying to be nice and all), but you openly salivate upon pictures of lean, muscular men. Hippocrisy, one may call it...