Hello again,

I know it's been a LONG time since I posted anything. Im getting the impression nobody's even reading my posts. And you know what? I don't give a damn. In fact, I began thinking of this blog as a place of self-reflection, as a mirror to myself, as an act of confession...

A lot of things have changed. I believe I've matured both physically and psychologically. How do I know that? It's simple: I hate anorexia more than anything else! I don't want to be the odd one out, the weakling, the weirdo, who needs help and attention. It's as though I was wearing a bold transparent reading "BEWARE- FRAGILE". Looking back at myself, it wasn't me. Anorexia took my SELF away from me, or as I preffer to thing about it: I took myself away from me. Sounds paradoxical? But that's what it's all about! Deep down inside, you KNOW you're killing yourself, and yet you allow your cancerous emotions to take over.

But now it's over. I got a grip of my old essence again! I am slowly getting myself back. I'm by no means saying it's over, because I'm still far from that. I still check myself in the mirror and all that shit. But I changed my hierarchy of values. I am in love, I give love and I receive love and it's heaven on earth!!! I've never felt anything of the like...it's so intense, I can feel myslef melting with joy. She's gone at the moment, but I still feel her breath on my face, calm and regular, as she slept peacefully by my side. I still feel her loving and gentle fingers on the back of my neck, scratching softly against my back. The brushes of her lips against my cheek, the kisses she gave me, they were like ocean waves, coming again and again...The heavenous smiles and looks she gave me. The sight of her closed eyes and angelic face, as I look down on her when we're hugging each other tightly. This is what LIFE is, what LOVE is!

And so I say: Dear Anorexia,
                     you did what you had to do, what I allowed you to do, what I asked you to do. But you can just as well FUCK OFF NOW!
Yourse sincerely,
Jay van Hark

Hello everyone! So I am writing again. Today has been a tough day for me and I will reflect upon it, so that not only you but also I can get a more objective understanding of what actually happened. Before my breakfast I did my usual morning workout (30 push-ups, 30 sit-ups and lifting 3kg weights). I know this might not seem very much, but I want to start re-building my body carefully. I still do not have much muscle mass on me. After that I ate my breakfast and finished my English homework. I am mad with myself and my laziness. Only last week I promised myself to finally become the hard-working student I've always wanted to be, which means doing my homework efficiently, without distractions and preferrably on the day they are set. After lunch I went to visit my loved one at the clinic. We were three anorexics. Two of us were nearly cured, but my sweetheart is still firly within the deadly grips of anorexia. We wanted to sit down, but she agreed to ten minutes only. When it was time to return to the clinic for her dinner, she desperately argued with us to take the longer way (more movement, more calories burnt). But me and the other girl decided to make no compromises. Anorexia cannot be offered compromises, because she will find ways to cheat on them. My loved one refused to hold hands with me and she was mad at me. Mad at me for offering the best help I can give. The treatment requires overcoming the fears. Standing up to them. All of you, who are fighting an eating disorder, plan small steps you will follow. Each step has to be something you have to overcome. Each step has to go a bit beyond the comfort zone. For example, you might want to try to avoid any excercise for a couple of hours, half a day and then for the whole day. Same goes for widening your menu and adding foods you are afraid of. It is hard, but unless you stand up to your fears, you will not overcome the disorder.

Hello everybody. And welcome to my blog. There are millions of blogs out there. Many of them concern eating disorders and people discuss their successes and failures encountered in the long battles that treatments become. I think I have identified a space in the market: there seem to be no such blogs aimed at anorexic boys or young men. Not only is there not much known about the disorder, but anorexia is in most cases taken to be a female illness. In worst cases, the very essence of the disorder is misunderstood and people assume, that the affected person simply isn't hungry. They assume a physical causation of anorexia nervosa. While it is true that many of the psychological symptoms (depression, distorted self-image) are partially caused by the extremely low weight and malnutrition, the disorder is rooted deeply within the mind and it is there where the true healing process must be applied (of course hand in hand with healthy weight restoration).

I have wanted to create a blog for a long time now. Now I finally have the courage to stand up and shout and yell and scream at the world. I can do it anonymously. But at the same time, I can have some assurance, that like-minded people will get my message. Can I? Will anyone read my messages? Will I actually be able to help anyone? These questions could be understood as an analogy to the famous philosophical inquiry: "Is there intelligent life within the universe, other than humans?". The fact that the universe is, in our terms, infinite makes it very likely that there may be not one, but many more civilizations. Equally I believe, that there are people seeking help, who will respond to my messages however distant we may be in the hysical world. For above the physical world is the much more efficient abstract world. World of virtual relations. It is like a temporary heaven. A place, where one can experience eternity. A place, I hope, that can offer you the knowledge that you are NOT ALONE in your struggle! I HEREBY DECLARE WAR ON EATING DISORDERS! They are the presence of the evil in the world, where love diminishes.