Hello again,
I know it's been a LONG time since I posted anything. Im getting the impression nobody's even reading my posts. And you know what? I don't give a damn. In fact, I began thinking of this blog as a place of self-reflection, as a mirror to myself, as an act of confession...
A lot of things have changed. I believe I've matured both physically and psychologically. How do I know that? It's simple: I hate anorexia more than anything else! I don't want to be the odd one out, the weakling, the weirdo, who needs help and attention. It's as though I was wearing a bold transparent reading "BEWARE- FRAGILE". Looking back at myself, it wasn't me. Anorexia took my SELF away from me, or as I preffer to thing about it: I took myself away from me. Sounds paradoxical? But that's what it's all about! Deep down inside, you KNOW you're killing yourself, and yet you allow your cancerous emotions to take over.
But now it's over. I got a grip of my old essence again! I am slowly getting myself back. I'm by no means saying it's over, because I'm still far from that. I still check myself in the mirror and all that shit. But I changed my hierarchy of values. I am in love, I give love and I receive love and it's heaven on earth!!! I've never felt anything of the like...it's so intense, I can feel myslef melting with joy. She's gone at the moment, but I still feel her breath on my face, calm and regular, as she slept peacefully by my side. I still feel her loving and gentle fingers on the back of my neck, scratching softly against my back. The brushes of her lips against my cheek, the kisses she gave me, they were like ocean waves, coming again and again...The heavenous smiles and looks she gave me. The sight of her closed eyes and angelic face, as I look down on her when we're hugging each other tightly. This is what LIFE is, what LOVE is!
And so I say: Dear Anorexia,
you did what you had to do, what I allowed you to do, what I asked you to do. But you can just as well FUCK OFF NOW!
Yourse sincerely,
Jay van Hark
